i just wondered

so, it was 12.30 am.
my tv is on.
but i am not watching it.
why?
because it is not interesting.
i sat on the floor in front of the empty couch,
with my lap top on my lap.
what am i doing?
i just wasted my lovely two month doing exactly nothing.
i sit at home doing nothing.
i cant manage anything.
i don't know what to do after this.
tomorrow, i am going to wake up.
and, exactly what next?
i am going through the same boring day.
with nothing to do.
i didin't catch a movie since,
wait, new moon?
god, that was ages ago.
but that didnt really matter.
what really matters is.
what am i going to do with my life.
i feel wasted!
and literally, i am wasted (to those that remembers!)
well, anyway.
so, i want to be a doctor.
actually a pharmacist.
yet, am i up to it.
is my head coherent for it.
am i capable to study for it.
am i?
am i?
am i?

i'm not sure myself.
i'm terrified.
is this really what i want.
well people actually said,
once you ask back what you're doing,
it isn't what you want.
so, am i making a mistake here?
but, looking back, to the need of life.
i am going to make it.
doctor, pharmacist.
anything.
i am going to do it.
i am determined to do it.
i will, even if its the last thing i have to do.
i bet you.
i am.

but, before i rest my case.
i can't do something right.
my loyalty to ALLAH SWT.
i need to go back to that route.
i am so out of it.
and i feel so sinful.
dear god, help me please.

i hope my life falls back into place.
my god bless us all.